Will I ever be ready for another child?!

This is something that I was asking myself for few weeks now and the answer seems to be "No" than "Yes". I love L unconditionally and will do everything that is in my power to help her if she needs me, to make her happy, full, strong, clever and healthy. 

My life spins around L, her necessitates and I completely forgot about myself. Thats what we- parents do, right?! 
With her lack of sleep, eating habits which I probably exaggerating as I worry so much about it I have no time to do anything, let alone to have well deserved "me" time. 

It feels that I have so many bugs in my head, that I worry about so many things that I can't see the light beyond all that.

I'm sure some of you have it tougher- with no money in the bank, no roof, no one to support you, with more kids on your hands and worse troubles than mine, but for me it feels like my own problem is larger than anything at the minute. 

I hear stories about mums being able to leave their husbands with newborns and go to meet their friends or go to a salon for a mani and I envy them as I have never had this opportunity. Because my baby was/is always my priority, because I have never had a chance to express enough milk, because I always wanted to be there to feed her, to put her to sleep, me and not someone else, because L would never sit still in her pushchair or highchair to let me enjoy a cuppa or a meal in a pub or a cafe.

I love cute, little babies and will shed a tear every time I see a newborn, but am I ready to potentially go through the same trouble again?! It seems that my own life has been stopped, I can't carry on with studies because I have no time, I can't lose weight because I have no time to cook healthy food, let alone to have time for my husband and I.

I love being a mum, feel like I was made for it but at times it is so tough that I doubt that we will have more kids.

Little L is 7 weeks

We are finally sleeping in her Clair de Lune moses basket again ( I reviewed it here). At the beginning of the week I decided to give it a go, first night L wasn't sleeping very well, but then I started putting hot water bottle in a moses basket before she was ready to sleep and it worked.

Every morning we try to have some tummy time, I can't say that little one lifts herself just yet but I'm sure we are getting there.

Sometimes it is a bit difficult to guess what her crying means, but we sort of have a routine during the day: she wakes up, tummy time in the morning, feeds, plays on her mat, sleeps and the same thing over and over again.

She is off drinking from a bottle at the moment, I have tried MAM and Vital baby both of them have a fast flow even though not suppose to as they are for newborns, Avent is opposite, but she is not into it either so every time we go for a walk I take a bottle with us and a breastfeeding cover.

If you remember I have mentioned before that L has green stool (poo explosions), this week I had a telephone consultation with a doctor as I wasn't sure if her green stool is a result of colic, we will have results in a week just in time for her 8 weeks check and immunisation.

We have sadly lost one of L's favourite toys- blue doggy somewhere in the house, thought I would never say that but we just have way too much stuff for a small house we live in.

Little L is 5 weeks old

Our little monkey has grown a lot. She started to smile last Friday (1 August), for the first time was lifting herself properly while on a tummy which totally surprised me, I was also surprised to see that she sucks her thumb.

She is just so kissable and squishable, but as you may guess there are days when she is unhappy.

Little L has weird red spots on the face which I think might be due to the weather or allergy, but need to confirm it with a Health Visitor as well as I am slightly concern about her green stool.

She is a lovely, cute little girl but I wish I had more time to do things..I am not complaining as I'm sure somewhere there is a mum who is struggling more than me.

L has no routine yet, we are doing exactly the same thing every evening by taking her for a walk, feeding, cuddling, washing every other day, feeding but she is so unpredictable.

Still can't believe that we created her! 

Little L is 1 month

It's been a very eventful month for us all- we had our little L, had to adjust to a new life with a newborn which has it's highs and lows but we made it!

I have a lot to catch up on my blog but I feel that every moment with L is precious and I need to take most of it.

First few nights when we came home from hospital were the toughest as she was crying all the time and we didn't know what it means and how to calm her down, to be honest with you my husband panicked a lot, every day or night he would call midwives to ask them what could be wrong with our monkey.

Now 4 weeks later she is grown and got used to us as well as we got used to having her. She is a little madam at times and there are mostly nights when I feel very annoyed yet sorry for her. Last night was a struggle for both of us, we didn't have enough sleep, but as she is 4 weeks now we are allowed to give her  gripe water, I do hope it will help!

I think we are on the right path with breastfeeding and now I tend to express milk for our evening walks so that if we are somewhere where it is impossible (by that I mean no benches) to feed her she will take a bottle. Even though we introduced her to a dummy I hate it as I feel that she will be confused between nipple and dummy or what if she will feel the urge to bring up milk and her dummy is on a way or why would she need a dummy she is a newborn she needs to cry, but my husband is convinced that it's for hers sake and our sanity.

I am totally prone to her crying, it doesn't bother me (only when she screams I feel horrible and sorry for her) as well as having sleepless nights. Of course I am tired and at times don't have time even to go to the toilet never mind to do my hair and make up, but that's my new life.

Little L is very alert, she lifts her head and at times nods her had uncontrollably, tries to stand or sit when I wash her, pulls funny faces and looks at different objects or people. She managed to stay for 5 minutes in a swing which is great, but still not so keen on a bouncer. She has just one favourite rattle and hates the rest! And I think someone is trying to smile for mummy and daddy!

Clothing wise she still fits in first size/newborn outfits and looks so tiny in 0-3 months.

Health Visitor brought good news today, little L's heel prick test results arrived and all is well, as well as she passed her hearing test earlier. Can't be more proud and happier!

Happy 1 month, monkey!

Little L is 3 weeks old

I can't believe that our little one is 3 weeks old! She changed so much since the day she was born and keep changing constantly.

Her skin is shedding and flaking on a forehead which means she looks cute but slightly weird.

We are finally discharged from midwife's care which means less pressure on me or little one, but we still struggling with putting weight.

She is slightly more settled at night (touch wood), and last night was waking up every 3 hours to feed, few nights before slept pretty much throughout the whole night.

We have problems with keeping L in her moses basket during the night, which was swapped with her carry cot from travel system and now she hates it as well and can only sleep on me or next to me in our bed. I am worried that it is not an ideal for any of us, but as long as she sleeps and alive (and I'm watching her like a hawk) nothing else matters.

We also found a new cleaning routing, when she soiled her nappy and if it is badly soiled I tend to wash her bits in the sink, some days she hates it and other days very calm. The same situation with bathing, in general she hates it, but when we try to entertain her with rattle she doesn't mind it.

Little L is still very alert but can't be bothered with toys, bouncer or swing just yet.

She is struggling sometimes with wind, burping and when it happens I feel so sorry for her.

Believe it or not sometimes when I look into her big eyes I see heart-shaped pupils, it's definitely love :-)

Little L is 2 weeks old

I am a little bit late with a 2 week update as I struggle to find time for anything else rather than little one.

She is a cute little girl, and I just love staring at her and in her big eyes.

My mum was helping out this week and will do the same next week which is amazing as I need some time to catch up on sleep during the day.

I am extremely jealous of my in laws when they spend time with her and my first grocery shopping without her left me absolutely lost, my husband said that I was completely useless at shopping as I had little L on my mind all the time.

This weird jealous of mine brought new emotions and feelings toward my mother in law in particular, I hate when she is around, I hate when she comes without a call and invites her daughters around without telling us, going through my and little L's postnatal notes, I am jealous when she has little L in her arms, I watch her when she is with my baby and tend to find lots of negative things, as you can imagine all these affects my family life.

As for little L:

- she is 40g away from her birth weight

- spends more time looking around

- slightly more settled at night

- her neck muscles are getting stronger this week

- keeps smiling when sleeping

- hates nappy changing or bathing

- likes to spend time sleeping outside and our walks in the park

- had a taster of a dummy

- she can be wriggly at night even though looks like she is sleeping

Little L is 1 week old

I didn't realise how life changing it is to have a baby and very appreciative that I have my husband around for these 2 weeks to help me out and to adjust to new life.

Little L is not your typical straightforward baby, at least that's what we think. She can be changed, fed, talked to and still cry non-stop for hours during the day or night. First few days at home I (we) literally had no sleep as she was constantly crying and nothing could soothe her, which means we have no time for anything else. If we have any visitors she is good as gold and by the time they leave she starts crying again. 

From birth she has dry skin and rash all over her body, dry skin is treated with olive oil, and we are yet to find out what our midwife thinks about the rash, as we think it might be eczema (condition my husband has). 

I would love to find out a magical phone app which can tell us why baby cries as sometimes it is so hard to understand if she is unhappy, bored, in pain, hungry etc etc.

So far, yesterday (I guess as a way of saying thank you) she allowed us to have some sleep during the night!And today we are back to lots of crying, even during the day.

Regardless of tiredness, soreness, lack of my own time she is the cutest baby in the world and I just love watching her and lots of facial expressions she makes.

1 week milestones:

- she lost weight according to day 1 weight in she was 3600g., day 4- 3260 g. and according to day 6 weigh in she put on some weight-3360g.

- umbilical cord fell of on day 4

- she has minimal head control when held upright

- very alert when awake

- spontaneous smile

- tries to focus on objects but not for long time

- has lots of wind

- lifts her arms if hears sudden noise

- her stool colour definitely changed from dark back/brown to yellow/mustardy colour

- she doesn't require burping and spit up very rarely

- she had her first bath at home and to our surprise didn't scream at all

- she is definitely a screamer and a crier and sometimes it's hard to soothe her

- pulls funny faces when awake and asleep

Maternity Unit Tour and questions to ask

Couple of weeks ago I have booked our maternity unit tour and last Saturday was THE day. We were greeted by a lovely midwife who I met before when I had high blood pressure problems. She explained at the beginning that it will be around 40 minutes tour and that we will be able to ask our questions at the end (I had 2 pages of questions). 

Midwife started the tour from explaining how to get to Delivery Suite from the main entrance and from A&E side after hours. She also mentioned that our partners can drop us off closer to the entrance and then to park their cars on the hospital territory, which is by the way very expensive (we won't be parking there anyway as we found a spot by residential area).

We followed our midwife to Delivery Suite itself (we can use stairs or the lift) and that's where it is more blurry, please don't blame baby brain (I do have it from time to time though), the reason is we heard someone giving birth, it was very loud and distracting for us all and possibly very painful for her (I had tears in my eyes that's how real and scary that was). 

While we were walking to the Suite we were "greeted" by Winnie- the- Pooh cartoon characters on walls which I thought was very cute. To get in to the Delivery Suite we needed (and will need to use in the future) to use intercom mounted on the wall, as all entrances to and exists from the Suite are locked for the safety of mums and babies. 

Midwife showed us waiting room and toilets for visitors, which are right by the entrance/exit door, we are allowed to have 1-2 people with us in labour with visiting hours 10 am- 10pm. Birth partners can stay over night with a mum-to-be as long as it is agreed beforehand but they say on a first comes first served basis as they can't really find space for every partner. There is one more "luxury" for our partners- kitchen with fridge, water cooler or they can use cafe and vending machines outside of the Suite.

Delivery Rooms: during our stay we will be in one room all the time, there are 6 delivery rooms with shared bathroom facilities and 2 birthing pool rooms with en-suite which can be used on a first comes first served basis (I would love to be in one of these rooms and will definitely mention this in my birth plan). Every room has a bed, gas and air (I didn't know it makes a "Darth Vader" noise), baby resuscitaire, cot, a chair for a partner, monitors including wireless monitors, entertainment unit with USB port plus each birthing pool rooms have a birthing ball and some other weird equipment a mum-to-be can hold on to. We had a quick look at a Maternity Theatre room but we didn't go inside, I think it scared a little most of us.

During  and after labour & birth: I was happy to know that hospital will have a whole set of midwives (work 12 hours shifts from 8 am to 8pm), consultants, pediatricians, obstetricians available if there are any complications to mum or baby, hospital now has a new policy and they delay cord clamping, allow lots of bonding, skin to skin time and do monitoring only when necessary in case of any problems. 

After birth mum and baby are transferred to the Ward or baby can be transferred to newborn intensive care unit (NICU) in case of any complications. All postnatal rooms are shared, midwives can do exceptions with rooms if mum wants to be alone, but they do not recommend it (I think it's because they want less hassle for themselves) and again those rooms are on a first comes first served basis. They provide menu for mums but we are allowed to bring our own food ( I need to write down a list of junk food I want to eat).

We were also told that we will have lots of leaflets and information about breastfeeding , that there always will be someone who can show us and direct how to do it, and we also will be showed how to express milk by hands. With regards to discharging minimum is 6 hours, but they recommend to stay over night, for those who had c- section it is 2-3 nights stay and if we want our friends and family to see us they can come 3pm- 4pm or 7pm- 8pm, but it can be more flexible. 

I almost forgot to write about emotional bit of this story, when midwife showed us the Ward she also took us to see a mum holding a newborn in her arms. That was so sweet and magical it made me cry, I just couldn't stop, I was thinking how cute this little girl is, how I want to see my little one, that soon enough our little creation will be in my arms as well, it was so overwhelming I just couldn't stop crying, I guess I was the only emotionally not stable out of all couples as no one else cried. Some midwives passing by tried to cheer me up, which was very nice of them.

At the end of the tour I was the only one (again) left to ask  questions and as midwives saw me before I think after “the interview” with one of them they have a picture of who I am and what I'm going to be like during labour, my husband made a joke about it, said that midwives possibly have a nickname for me “Victoria- the worrier”. 

Now to my questions, these are the questions I have used to "interview" my midwife and you can use them for yourself if you are planning to have Maternity Unit Tour.

Admission

1. Do you have a list of what we need to bring with us?
2. Where is the entry after hours?
3. Where's the nearest place to the entrance I can be dropped? Does my DH/birth partner have to pay normal parking rates while I'm giving birth or are there special parking spaces/a permit scheme for him while I'm in labour? Is it the same out of hours?
4. Where is the waiting area for other family and friends? How many people can be with me?
5. Do we need to complete any paperwork upon our arrival or during the stay?
6. What is their "routine" on admission in labour- straight into delivery suite or are we put into a waiting room until labour is more established where will I initially be examined?

Rooms & Logistics

1. Will I be in one room during my entire stay, or will I be moved to a separate room after birth? Can DH stay in this room with me? Private room hire for after birth? Bathroom? How to secure a room? Can DH stay in a private room with me? Birthing Pool rooms?
2. Can DH stay overnight with me before and after birth? When is “kicking out” time? Visiting hours?
3. Are mobile phones permitted in the room?

Food

1. Do you have a kitchen where DH can make himself a cup of tea, make himself some toast or put some food in the fridge if needs be.
2. Would hospital provide me with the food or I have to bring my own for before and after? Can I eat during labour?

During Labor & Birth

1. What birthing equipment do you provide e.g. birth ball etc
2. What doctors, specialist will be available if there will be any complications with me or baby? Are there any doctors available on call?
3. What sort of monitoring, etc do you have? When and how they do monitoring?What is their standard?
4. Do I need to bring my birth plan with me?
5. Am I allowed to move around freely and go to shower during labour?

After Birth

1. Will they allow immediate skin-to-skin contact (postponing the initial check up)? Can we delay all procedure/exams for baby until after some bonding time?
2. Do you let the cord finish pulsing before cutting? What’s the policy on delayed cord clamping?
3. Will they bath baby straight after delivery? Can DH or birth partner accompany the baby at all times while it's being bathed, etc.?
4. What sort of breastfeeding support is offered? How does it work?
5. Is there a newborn intensive care unit (NICU)?
6. Are there any situations where my baby would need to be transferred to another facility? Will I be notified about it?
7. Where are the toilets and showers ? Do I have to take the baby with you each time (or will they look after him/her for you), if so can I manoeuvre the cot on wheels in there?
8. What time of day does discharge generally occur? How long do you expect me to stay in?